I want to have a baby but my beau is avoiding the topic. What should I do?
I’m twenty nine and I live with my bf, who is 34. We have been together for three years.
He has two children from a previous marriage but I want a child of my own. He says he wants us to have children but now is avoiding the subject or says I’m pressurising him. I’ve stopped taking the Pill and since then, we’ve stopped having lovemaking. He is also spending a excellent deal of time working on his business. What can I do?
If you want to have a child and want his support, you need to get inwards his head, not his pants. ‘Your bf has good reason to be startled,’ says James McConnachie. ‘His growing business, your fresh relationship, his existing children – all will suffer, he fears, if he has a fresh baby.’
It’s not reasonable to expect him to make a clear decision with all this going on in his head, says Rupert Smith. ‘He’s avoiding the subject because he doesn’t want to hurt you or risk losing you,’ he says. ‘But if you keep on taking decisions on his behalf, then this is going to end in disaster.’
Having a baby is usually associated with love, mutual agreement, loyalty and the reality of a fresh life to honour. ‘For you, it is an arena of conflict, request, hostility, control and seeming hatred,’ says Dr Cecilia d’Felice. ‘Not, in other words, one of love.’
You make requests, he stonewalls and deflects; you attempt for communication (of sorts) yet it is not achieving your goals; you stop taking birth control to make your point, he stops desiring you.
‘Neither of you are going to win with this conflictual treatment and one would hardly expect it to be the best place for a child anyway,’ she says. ‘Trying to force him into another round of fatherhood will only bring you upset.’
If you want him to conquer his anxieties, be courageous yourself, says McConnachie. ‘Tell him you don’t want a child without his utter support and then ask him what he’s worried about,’ he says. ‘Trusting him, listening to him and being plucky for him gives your beau the best chance of doing the same for you in come back.’
If you can, says d’Felice, withdraw your requests, go back on the Pill and tell him you are sorry for putting pressure on before he is clearly ready. ‘You may find this little act of peace will do more for your relationship and your hope of having a child with the man you claim to love than any amount of requiring or therapy could hope to achieve,’ she says.
Reminisce, says Smith, you’re still youthful. ‘You need to give him time to get things into perspective,’ he says. ‘And if you truly can’t wait, then set him free and budge on.’
He is a person, very first and foremost, a person who has his own set of needs, and it is not fair to ask our playmates to be people they are not.
Email your relationship problems to [email protected], with ‘advice’ in the subject line.
James McConnachie is the author of Hookup (Rough Guides, £12.99).
Psychologist Dr Cecilia d’Felice is a relationship consultant for Match.com.
Rupert Smith’s latest novel, Grim, is now available exclusively on Amazon (£13.99).
@garrydavenport Ask again if he wants a baby. He may be frightened of losing you and just told you what you dreamed to hear.
@1Dcrazybooklove It’s fair at twenty nine to want kids. If he doesn’t want children, and you do, you have to think about your future together.
@Lady_Blacbeth Why would you force someone to have a baby with you? Have some dignity and suggest a compromise. Talk about it again in a year.
@richarddasix Is he indeed the best fucking partner to have a baby with?
I am married to a lovely female who is a year older than me. Albeit we have a good time draping out, I’ve seldom felt sexually attracted to her and over the past year, I’ve developed strong feelings for a woman who is ten years older than me.
This lady is a single mother and we have an awesome time in bed as well as outside of it. Albeit my marriage still subsists, I have strong feelings for this other lady in my life. What do I do?
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