Communication inbetween Dudes and Women
This article has been reprinted from Faith & Mission, Fall 1996, with permission from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary.
INTRODUCTION
Scripture instructs about the uniqueness of studs and women. While created in the photo of God with equality of worth and value, studs and women are different by design and function. Gender differences are apparent physically and behaviorally. Boys and women differ in the way they think, feel, act, and talk. In fact, one of the most striking differences inbetween the sexes is the unique ways that dudes and women communicate.
In latest years, the communication styles of fellows and women have been studied scientifically. Linguists have documented these perceived differences. The primary purpose of these intensive investigations is not to determine which communicative style is best or to motivate others to switch fully, but to identify differences for the purpose of understanding and adaptation. As boys and women better recognize differences in communicative styles, they can work to improve their own communication with members of the opposite hookup.
The general gender communication differences affect all studs and women in every context. Whether Christian or non-Christian, churched or unchurched, boys and women have unique ways of voicing their thoughts and feelings. At home and at the office, in marriage and in friendships, these differences are instantly apparent. The church, as a bod of believers, masculine and female, is challenged by these differences in communicative style. The influence of these gender differences is experienced in informal conversations, Bible probe classes, church committee meetings, counseling sessions, and pulpit preaching.
What is Genderlect?
In latest years, perhaps as women have entered the workplace in larger numbers, the evident communicative style differences inbetween dudes and women have been discussed publicly. Unique conversational styles have been observed and communicative conflicts have been encountered. As a result, linguists have begun to research gender communication.
The term genderlect has been coined to define the language of the sexes. Similar in form to the word “dialect” (the unique language of people in a specific geographical area), genderlect is “a multiplicity of a language that is tied not to geography or to family background or to a role but to the speaker’s sexual gender.” Suzette Haden Elgin suggests communication technics to combat gender style differences in her book entitled Genderspeak. Deborah Tannen, a well-respected linguistics professor and scholar, has conducted research and published books about gender communication including her national bestseller, You Just Don’t Understand: Fellows and Women in Conversation (Ballantine, 1990).
Genderflex, according to Judith C. Tingley in her book by the same title, is described as an active process: “to temporarily use communication behaviors typical of the other gender in order to increase potential for influence.” Because of the natural differences in the way guys and women communicate, makeshift adaption to a different style of communication is necessary. The primary aim of this adjustment is effective communication with members of the opposite lovemaking. Genderlect is heard in the context of the Christian community and genderflex is necessary for effective ministry together. These gender communication differences begin at very early ages.
When Does Gender Communication Develop?
Language and communication are considered learned behavior which develops through a combination of nature and nurture, genetic predisposition and environmental stimulation. As a result, gender communication differences emerge in early childhood. Children learn how to talk from their parents as well as their peers, often imitating their same-sex models.
In her book, You Just Don’t Understand, Deborah Tanen asserts that “even if they grow up in the same neighborhood, on the same block, or in the same house, damsels and boys grow up in different worlds or words.” These gender differences in ways of talking have been observed in children as youthfull as three years of age, about the time language is developed. While little chicks talk to be liked; little boys often talk to boast. Little damsels make requests; little boys make requests. Little chicks speak to create harmony; little boys prolong conflict. Little damsels talk more indirectly; little boys talk directly. Little ladies talk more with words; little boys use more deeds. While boys and women both want to get their way, they use language differently to do so.
These communication differences are noted during same gender and opposite gender conversations, during one-on-one and petite group interactions. Neither gender style is considered best, but demonstrable differences from childhood to adulthood should be understood and adapted. Parents, spouses, co-workers, and church members need to become aware of differences in gender communication.
Gender Communication Differences
Communication inbetween guys and women can be considered cross-cultural communication. People in different cultures speak different dialects. In fact, John Gray in his book, Fellows are From Mars, Women are From Venus, suggests that fellows and women communicate in such different ways that they seem to be from different planets. There are numerous general differences that characterize gender communication.
Before clarifying some distinctives in gender communication, several basic assumptions must be accepted.
- Guys and women do have different conversational styles.
- Both styles of communication are identically valid.
- The aim in gender communication is not switch the style of communication but to adapt to the differences.
According to Tannen, dudes and women express themselves in different ways and for different reasons. Dudes use communication to maintain independence, while women talk to maintain proximity. Whether conscious or unconscious, dudes often talk to establish status from others. Women use words to connect themselves emotionally, to express feelings, or build rapport. Fellows often share facts and figures as in a report. Tannen labels these communicative differences “rapport – talk and report – talk.”
Research concludes that studs talk more in public while women talk more in private. This conclusion is visible when the purpose of masculine and female communication is understood. If guys talk to establish status, most masculine conversation would inevitably occur in public, at the workplace. On the other mitt, if women talk to establish closeness, most female conversation would take place in private, at home.
Assets language is also used differently by dudes and women. While women typically use nonverbal communication directly, boys use it indirectly. Women stand in close proximity to each other, maintain eye contact, and gesture more frequently. Guys hold their distance, infrequently establish eye contact, and gestures less dramatically. Boys and women also treat conflict differently. While women avoid conflict in order to insure closeness, fellows use conflict to build up status. These are just a few of the common differences in gender communication.
Dudes and women express gender communication differences in content, style, and structure. What do studs and women talk about? Studs often talk about sports, money, and business; women most often discuss people, feelings, and relationships. Why do fellows and women talk? Dudes often express themselves to fix a problem, converse for competition, and talk to resolve problems. Women most often express themselves to understand, converse to support, and talk to connect. How do studs and women talk? Boys typically use precise words, to the point, without descriptive details. Women are more detailed, apologetic, and vague.
Gender Communication and the Church
Differences in the way studs and women communicate affect all relationships: husband-wife, father-daughter, mother-son, employer-employee, and pastor-member. In fact, gender communication differences are also visible in the church. In hallway conversation, committee discussion, Bible probe instructing, pulpit preaching, or pastoral counseling, studs and women encounter gender style differences. Scripture challenges believers to communicate more effectively with each other. Guys and women are to control their tongues (James Trio:1-12) and speak only words of kindliness (Eph. Four:29, 32). The Book of Proverbs discusses the importance of listening with understanding to others who speak (Prov. 11:12; Legitimate:Two, 13; 29:20). Jesus admonished His disciples to discuss conflict with a sinning brother (Matt. 1:15) and “love our neighbor as yourself” (Matt. 22:39). Mature Christians realize that clear, loving, encouraging communication among His children is the desire of Christ’s heart. Since gender will never switch, Christian dudes and women must understand the conversational styles of the opposite hookup.
Improving Communication Inbetween Christian Fellows and Women
Once differences in gender communication have been identified, adjustments can be made to improve communication. While genderflex or genderspeak is not effortless or automatic, Christian boys and women can improve their communication as they consciously work on it. Here are several strategies for improving gender communication.
- Become aware of your own communication style. Each person has a unique style of communication. Listen to your own speech. Evaluate your words, your tone of voice, and your bod language. Compare your own communication style with that of individuals whom you judge to be effective communicators. Self-evaluation is an significant very first step in improving gender communication.
Pastor John Brown began to notice that he was much more convenient welcoming guys of his church than the women. He realized that he could naturally talk about sports, work, or church business with the dudes tho’ he could infrequently think of something to say to the women. He began to work on his interaction with the ladies of his church. He attempted to recall the names of their children and details of their lives so he could conveniently talk with the ladies about their families and significant events. Pastor Brown improved his communication with the female members of his church by simply evaluating his own communicative style.
Bill Smith, the minister of education at a growing church, began to notice that the only lady on the finance committee never made a comment during the meetings. However, before and after the meetings, she talked loosely with members about the committee’s work. In fact, she had some unique perspectives and some good ideas. Bro. Smith determined to discuss his observations with her. She agreed that she was much more comfy talking in private than in public. After some discussion, Bro. Smith encouraged her to share her thoughts with the committee. His understanding of her hesitancy to speak in front of the group led to improved communication among all members of the committee.
A successful pastor was fighting to stay in touch with his teenage daughter. During one rather heated conversation, in desperation he asked, “Why didn’t you tell me?” His daughter’s response was fairly exposing. She said, “I did tell you. But you were to busy lecturing me to listen.” After he apologized, he made the decision to listen very first and to discuss the subject rather than instantaneously attempting to solve her problem.
Mary Jones always had something to say in her couples Sunday School class. Whatever the topic, she always had a comment. She infrequently answered a question, but typically voiced her opinion. One Sunday morning she noticed her classmates flipped their eyes as she raised her mitt. Several members looked at each other and smiled. She realized that she was talking too much in Sunday School. The next Sunday Mary determined that she could only make one comment during class. She cautiously evaluated her thoughts before talking and adapted her style of communication.
One of the most common mistakes made by preachers today is packing a sermon with masculine illustrations. While it is effortless for a preacher to relate stories about sports or work, care must be given to include some examples in a sermon that will be under- stood by women in the congregation. Effective preachers balance their sermons with supportive material that speaks clearly to the cross-section of people in the audience. Never assume that your message is totally understood by all.
In marriage, the spouse and wifey must understand each other’s style of communication. While the hubby may have no need to discuss his feelings about a specific situation, the wifey may want to talk it out. A spouse may want to confront conflict, while the wifey may attempt to avoid it. When a spouse comes home, he may sit in his recliner chair to relieve, but his wifey may want to talk about the day. Steps must be taken to improve communication inbetween hubby and wifey without assigning blame. Be careful not to criticize the communicative style of your spouse or fail to meet your spouse’s communicative needs.
Why is Gender Communication Significant?
If the primary purpose of the church is to spread the gospel and the responsibiliy of each believer is to share a witness, then Christians must learn to effectively communicate His word with fellows and women. Gender communication is significant in interpersonal interaction and public speaking. The gospel will not be spread, needs will not be met, and fresh believers will not grow spiritually unless Christian guys and women improve their communication abilities. The manner of communication can hinder an understanding of the content of the message. One’s style of communication should never add a barrier to faith. Therefore, effort should be made to adapt to gender communication differences so the gospel will be clearly understood. It would be tragic for the Word of God to be muffled by the words of dudes.
Conclusion
Fellows and women can learn so much from each other if only the gender communication barriers can be violated. These barriers vanish with time, understanding, and effort. An investment of time is necessary to evaluate private communicative style. Understanding is needed as different conversational styles are observed. Effort is expended when adjustments are made to improve interaction inbetween dudes and women. However, these investments are worth it to the work of the Lord and relationships with others. Tho’ life is busy and individual styles are comfy, adaptation to gender communication promotes individual growth and corporate harmony in the Christian context.
For Further Examine: Annotated Bibliography
Elign, Suzette Haden. Genderspeak: Dudes, Women and the Gentle Are of Wordy Self-Defense. Fresh York: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 1993.
An experienced in applied psychology, Suzette Haden Elgin addresses the conflicts which plague the conversations of dudes and women. She suggests specific strategies for spoken confrontation and concentrates especially on effective use of assets language. This easy-to-read book includes mechanisms for private and professional communication inbetween the sexes.
Gray, John. Boys are From Mars, Women are From Venus. Fresh York: Harper Collins, 1992.
Pop psychologist John Gray, has written and trained about the differences inbetween studs and women. He specifically addresses the different languages spoken by dudes and women, as if they were two foreign languages. He offers advice on how to promote better understanding and communication inbetween the sexes.
Tannen, Deborah. Talking from nine to Five: How Women’s and Studs’s Conversational Styles Affect Who Gets Heard, Who Gets Credit and What Gets Done at Work. Fresh York: William Morrow and Co., 1994.
Conversational style differences greatly influence the workplace. In her most latest popular release, Deborah Tannen concentrates her research in gender communication on the working world context. Thrust, often without choice, into a particular office, people must learn to communicate effectively with members of the opposite hookup in order to succeed in voicing ideas and get through in a competitive market. This book provides specific communication strategies for individuals and companies who face challenging interaction in competitive markets.
Tannen, Deborah. You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Dudes in Conversation. Ballantine Books, 1990.
This number one national bestseller book was written by a recognized scholar and professor of linguistics at Georgetown University to explore the identically valid but different conversational styles of guys and women. Dr. Tannen reports her extensive studies in dialogue and cites numerous examples of gender communication differences. Her research is exposing and readable.
Tingley, Judith C. Genderflex: Fellows and Women Speaking Each Other’s Language at Work. Fresh York: AMACOM, 1993.
As a psychologist and corporate communications consultant, Judith Tingley has developed a process called “genderflex” which trains improvised adaptation to a different style of communication. Primarily, Tingley discusses the main communication differences inbetween fellows and women. Later she proposes strategies for communicating more adaptively with others, especially in specific workplace situations.
Endnotes
1. Elign, Suzette Haden. Genderspeak: Boys, Women, and the Gentle Art of Wordy Self- Defense. Fresh York: John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 1993, p.22.
Two. Tingley, Judith C. Genderflex: Studs and Women Speaking Each Other’s Language at Work. Fresh York: AMACOM, 1993, p.16.
Three. Tannen, Deborah. You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Fellows in Conversation. Fresh York: Ballantine Books, 1990, p.43.
Four. Tannen, Deborah., p.76
Five. Tingley, Judith. Genderflex: Studs and Women Speaking Each Other’s Language at Work. Fresh York: AMACOM, 1993, p.22-28.
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