When Does Flirting Become Cheating? Nine Crimson Flags
According to psychologist Michael Brickey, author of Defy Aging, and many other relationship experts, playful bantering or gentle flirting with someone outside of your marriage is harmless if decent boundaries remain intact. Those boundaries differ with each relationship, of course. What would be considered a disturbance in one marriage might be flawlessly acceptable for another duo. Differences of opinions even occur within a marriage.
For example, I know a woman who recently asked her spouse to either give her his Facebook password or close out his account after she found an email that he had sent to a former classmate that she found to be rather suggestive. He disagreed and thought it was ideally suitable.
Social media sites and online interaction are pushing this issue to dinner tables across the country — much more so than in the past. Katherine Hertlein, a licensed marriage and family therapist interviewed by Discovery News, explains, "You don’t actually recognize that you’re growing closer to someone on the Internet because it just looks like you’re having a conversation, and that’s why I think it could be indeed provocative in some ways."
Hertlein believes that cyber cheating is especially appealing to women, because they can get their emotional needs met behind a computer in the convenience of their home. However, many polls indicate that seemingly harmless online friendships often develop into intense emotional and physical affairs that can devastate marriages. Latest research has indicated that online cheating usually leads to physical encounters.
So, when does flirting cross that invisible line from guiltless bantering to dangerous dialogue? After researching the topic and talking to a few family therapists, I pulled together the following nine crimson flags.
If you are deleting your emails — either to her or from her — that’s a crimson flag. Because by deleting them, you are guessing that your spouse would be upset if she read them, and that you are covering up something.
Moreover, ask yourself this question: "How would I feel if I knew my wifey (or hubby) was corresponding to an attractive man in the way I talk to X?" If you feel an awkward knot in your tummy upon answering that question, there you go.
Two. If It Has a Sexual Agenda.
This isn’t always demonstrable, of course. But if you notice that your correspondence with this person feeds your sexual fantasies (because an affair is often about sexual fantasy) then you are most likely in dangerous waters. If the communications consist of subtle sexual overtones, see out. If it feels like make-out in any way, that’s not good.
Trio. If You’re Spending a Considerable Amount of Time Talking to Him/Her.
According to marriage therapist Allyson P., a person needs to consider not only the content of the messages sent back and forward but also the amount of them. For example, if you are emailing a "friend" fifteen times a day, that’s a tad extreme, even if the content is about SpongeBob SquarePants. A friend of mine confessed to me that she would spend two hours every night on Facebook talking with an online friend until she realized that was more time than she was spending with her spouse.
Four. If You Are Rationalizing.
"He is just a friend," is a statement that you don’t say to yourself when you’re involved in harmless communication. Do you feel the need to justify a very safe friendship? No. It’s evident to you and to your mate that the companionship is entirely suitable. However, you may very well be investing in an unsafe friendship if you are permanently wrestling with guilt or feel the need to rationalize.
Five. If It’s Meeting Your Individual Needs.
If you are getting your intimity needs met in an online relationship, or with a co-worker with whom you playfully banter, you might stop to ask yourself why. Be especially careful if you’re sharing intimate sentiments with that person that you don’t share with your spouse, or if you feel like your online companion understands you in a way that your spouse doesn’t. Be on guard if you are getting fed in any way by him or her that you don’t at home.
Better to address the fuckholes in your life and pack them in safe ways, even if you can’t within your marriage. Keep in mind, a good hook-up life isn’t just about chemistry.
6. If You Talk About Your Marriage or Your Spouse.
It’s disrespectful to share intimate details about your marriage or your spouse, and especially in a discourteous manner or with a roll attitude. Imagine that your wifey was overhearing your entire conversation. Would you still say it?
7. If Your Spouse Doesn’t Like It.
You have just won a crimson flag if a spouse or wifey has voiced disapproval of your communications with X, because it usually means that either the content of the correspondence or the amount of it is off balance — that the interaction isn’t totally suitable, or the time spent talking (online or offline) with the person is distracting from family life.
8. If Your Friend Voices Concern.
Pay attention if a good friend asks you why you are talking about this person so much, or if she says something like, "Wake up. You are married. He is married. You need to concentrate on what you have and stop obsessing about what you don’t." Friends, sisters and mothers can often identify the crimson flags before a person is willing to recognize them herself.
9. If Your Intentions Are Wrong.
Let’s say your wifey is permanently knocking you down, nagging at you, telling you to lose twenty pounds because she didn’t intend to marry a beached whale. The natural, or at least effortless, thing to do is to find an attractive woman who will feed your ego and tell you that you’re sexy, funny, wise and so on. Some folks may unconsciously seek out an admirer to get their spouse to take notice of them. It can be effective, but it’s also manipulative. There are healthier ways to increase your self-esteem and regain the power that you have lost in your own home.
When Does Flirting Become Cheating? Nine Crimson Flags, HuffPost
When Does Flirting Become Cheating? Nine Crimson Flags
According to psychologist Michael Brickey, author of Defy Aging, and many other relationship experts, playful bantering or gentle flirting with someone outside of your marriage is harmless if decent boundaries remain intact. Those boundaries differ with each relationship, of course. What would be considered a disturbance in one marriage might be ideally acceptable for another duo. Differences of opinions even occur within a marriage.
For example, I know a woman who recently asked her spouse to either give her his Facebook password or close out his account after she found an email that he had sent to a former classmate that she found to be rather suggestive. He disagreed and thought it was ideally adequate.
Social media sites and online interaction are pushing this issue to dinner tables across the country — much more so than in the past. Katherine Hertlein, a licensed marriage and family therapist interviewed by Discovery News, explains, "You don’t actually recognize that you’re growing closer to someone on the Internet because it just looks like you’re having a conversation, and that’s why I think it could be indeed provocative in some ways."
Hertlein believes that cyber cheating is especially appealing to women, because they can get their emotional needs met behind a computer in the convenience of their home. However, many polls indicate that seemingly harmless online friendships often develop into intense emotional and physical affairs that can devastate marriages. Latest research has indicated that online cheating usually leads to physical encounters.
So, when does flirting cross that invisible line from virginal bantering to dangerous dialogue? After researching the topic and talking to a few family therapists, I pulled together the following nine crimson flags.
If you are deleting your emails — either to her or from her — that’s a crimson flag. Because by deleting them, you are guessing that your spouse would be upset if she read them, and that you are covering up something.
Moreover, ask yourself this question: "How would I feel if I knew my wifey (or spouse) was corresponding to an attractive man in the way I talk to X?" If you feel an awkward knot in your tummy upon answering that question, there you go.
Two. If It Has a Sexual Agenda.
This isn’t always visible, of course. But if you notice that your correspondence with this person feeds your sexual fantasies (because an affair is often about sexual fantasy) then you are most likely in dangerous waters. If the communications consist of subtle sexual overtones, see out. If it feels like make-out in any way, that’s not good.
Trio. If You’re Spending a Considerable Amount of Time Talking to Him/Her.
According to marriage therapist Allyson P., a person needs to consider not only the content of the messages sent back and forward but also the amount of them. For example, if you are emailing a "friend" fifteen times a day, that’s a tad extreme, even if the content is about SpongeBob SquarePants. A friend of mine confessed to me that she would spend two hours every night on Facebook talking with an online acquaintance until she realized that was more time than she was spending with her spouse.
Four. If You Are Rationalizing.
"He is just a friend," is a statement that you don’t say to yourself when you’re involved in harmless communication. Do you feel the need to justify a very safe friendship? No. It’s demonstrable to you and to your mate that the companionship is entirely suitable. However, you may very well be investing in an unsafe friendship if you are permanently wrestling with guilt or feel the need to rationalize.
Five. If It’s Meeting Your Private Needs.
If you are getting your proximity needs met in an online relationship, or with a co-worker with whom you playfully banter, you might stop to ask yourself why. Be especially careful if you’re sharing intimate sentiments with that person that you don’t share with your spouse, or if you feel like your online companion understands you in a way that your spouse doesn’t. Be on guard if you are getting fed in any way by him or her that you don’t at home.
Better to address the crevices in your life and pack them in safe ways, even if you can’t within your marriage. Keep in mind, a good hookup life isn’t just about chemistry.
6. If You Talk About Your Marriage or Your Spouse.
It’s disrespectful to share intimate details about your marriage or your spouse, and especially in a discourteous manner or with a roll attitude. Imagine that your wifey was overhearing your entire conversation. Would you still say it?
7. If Your Spouse Doesn’t Like It.
You have just won a crimson flag if a spouse or wifey has voiced disapproval of your communications with X, because it usually means that either the content of the correspondence or the amount of it is off balance — that the interaction isn’t totally suitable, or the time spent talking (online or offline) with the person is distracting from family life.
8. If Your Friend Voices Concern.
Pay attention if a good friend asks you why you are talking about this person so much, or if she says something like, "Wake up. You are married. He is married. You need to concentrate on what you have and stop obsessing about what you don’t." Friends, sisters and mothers can often identify the crimson flags before a person is willing to recognize them herself.
9. If Your Intentions Are Wrong.
Let’s say your wifey is permanently knocking you down, nagging at you, telling you to lose twenty pounds because she didn’t intend to marry a beached whale. The natural, or at least effortless, thing to do is to find an attractive woman who will feed your ego and tell you that you’re sexy, funny, brainy and so on. Some folks may unconsciously seek out an admirer to get their spouse to take notice of them. It can be effective, but it’s also manipulative. There are healthier ways to increase your self-esteem and regain the power that you have lost in your own home.
When Does Flirting Become Cheating? Nine Crimson Flags, HuffPost
When Does Flirting Become Cheating? Nine Crimson Flags
According to psychologist Michael Brickey, author of Defy Aging, and many other relationship experts, playful bantering or gentle flirting with someone outside of your marriage is harmless if decent boundaries remain intact. Those boundaries differ with each relationship, of course. What would be considered a disturbance in one marriage might be flawlessly acceptable for another duo. Differences of opinions even occur within a marriage.
For example, I know a woman who recently asked her spouse to either give her his Facebook password or close out his account after she found an email that he had sent to a former classmate that she found to be rather suggestive. He disagreed and thought it was flawlessly suitable.
Social media sites and online interaction are pushing this issue to dinner tables across the country — much more so than in the past. Katherine Hertlein, a licensed marriage and family therapist interviewed by Discovery News, explains, "You don’t actually recognize that you’re growing closer to someone on the Internet because it just looks like you’re having a conversation, and that’s why I think it could be truly provocative in some ways."
Hertlein believes that cyber cheating is especially appealing to women, because they can get their emotional needs met behind a computer in the convenience of their home. However, many polls indicate that seemingly harmless online friendships often develop into intense emotional and physical affairs that can devastate marriages. Latest research has indicated that online cheating usually leads to physical encounters.
So, when does flirting cross that invisible line from harmless bantering to dangerous dialogue? After researching the topic and talking to a few family therapists, I pulled together the following nine crimson flags.
If you are deleting your emails — either to her or from her — that’s a crimson flag. Because by deleting them, you are guessing that your spouse would be upset if she read them, and that you are covering up something.
Moreover, ask yourself this question: "How would I feel if I knew my wifey (or spouse) was corresponding to an attractive man in the way I talk to X?" If you feel an awkward knot in your tummy upon answering that question, there you go.
Two. If It Has a Sexual Agenda.
This isn’t always visible, of course. But if you notice that your correspondence with this person feeds your sexual fantasies (because an affair is often about sexual fantasy) then you are very likely in dangerous waters. If the communications consist of subtle sexual overtones, see out. If it feels like make-out in any way, that’s not good.
Trio. If You’re Spending a Considerable Amount of Time Talking to Him/Her.
According to marriage therapist Allyson P., a person needs to consider not only the content of the messages sent back and forward but also the amount of them. For example, if you are emailing a "friend" fifteen times a day, that’s a tad extreme, even if the content is about SpongeBob SquarePants. A friend of mine confessed to me that she would spend two hours every night on Facebook talking with an online pal until she realized that was more time than she was spending with her hubby.
Four. If You Are Rationalizing.
"He is just a friend," is a statement that you don’t say to yourself when you’re involved in harmless communication. Do you feel the need to justify a very safe friendship? No. It’s visible to you and to your mate that the companionship is fully suitable. However, you may very well be investing in an unsafe friendship if you are permanently wrestling with guilt or feel the need to rationalize.
Five. If It’s Meeting Your Private Needs.
If you are getting your proximity needs met in an online relationship, or with a co-worker with whom you playfully banter, you might stop to ask yourself why. Be especially careful if you’re sharing intimate sentiments with that person that you don’t share with your spouse, or if you feel like your online companion understands you in a way that your spouse doesn’t. Be on guard if you are getting fed in any way by him or her that you don’t at home.
Better to address the slots in your life and pack them in safe ways, even if you can’t within your marriage. Keep in mind, a good hookup life isn’t just about chemistry.
6. If You Talk About Your Marriage or Your Spouse.
It’s disrespectful to share intimate details about your marriage or your spouse, and especially in a discourteous manner or with a roll attitude. Imagine that your wifey was overhearing your entire conversation. Would you still say it?
7. If Your Spouse Doesn’t Like It.
You have just won a crimson flag if a spouse or wifey has voiced disapproval of your communications with X, because it usually means that either the content of the correspondence or the amount of it is off balance — that the interaction isn’t totally adequate, or the time spent talking (online or offline) with the person is distracting from family life.
8. If Your Friend Voices Concern.
Pay attention if a good friend asks you why you are talking about this person so much, or if she says something like, "Wake up. You are married. He is married. You need to concentrate on what you have and stop obsessing about what you don’t." Friends, sisters and mothers can often identify the crimson flags before a person is willing to recognize them herself.
9. If Your Intentions Are Wrong.
Let’s say your wifey is permanently knocking you down, nagging at you, telling you to lose twenty pounds because she didn’t intend to marry a beached whale. The natural, or at least effortless, thing to do is to find an attractive woman who will feed your ego and tell you that you’re sexy, funny, wise and so on. Some folks may unconsciously seek out an admirer to get their spouse to take notice of them. It can be effective, but it’s also manipulative. There are healthier ways to increase your self-esteem and regain the power that you have lost in your own home.