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Long-Distance Lezzie Relationships: How To Make Them Work And When To Call It Quits
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Let’s face it: Long-distance relationships aren’t always joy. Ideally, you’d like to be face-to-face with your fucking partner for conversations, large life events, or simply put, lovemaking. Especially hook-up. But that doesn’t mean they can’t work. I observed many a lovely duo at A-Camp find one another and then realize the other person lives in Canada or Europe or Fresh York or somewhere over the rainbow. Long-distance is also pretty common in that very first year of college, when your gf finishes up in California and you’re in Ohio. Maybe you just met someone online and they’re ideal, but they’re from France. I’ve been in fairly a few long-distance, long-term relationships, from Fresh York to Brazil to Australia. I’ll admit, sometimes my dearest part of past relationships have been the distance, but sometimes the distance was what broke us up. There is no right or wrong way to be in a long-distance relationship — maybe you thrive on independence or maybe you just need cuddles at night. Here are some of my protips on how to make it work and when to know that it’s over.
Make It Work.
Communicate. This is so effortless in theory, but maybe your gf lives in Australia and she’s only awake for half of the day that you’re awake. Prioritize those times. Schedule in times to talk and stick to those dates as if you were going out to a real dinner together. Skype! It’s such a glorious thing! So is texting, if you’re not internationally in love. If you are international, Facebook message or download an app that let’s you text through the internet (my dearest is TextNow). Voxer and HeyTell are also awesome. Keep in touch in ways that are not Facebook. Email. Snail mail love letters. Send care packages. Most importantly, share what your day was like and let your love know you’re missing her.
Talk About Jealousy Issues. Unluckily, this is a ample part of why long-distance relationships don’t work. But maybe you’re the exception! Talk through what’s making you jealous — are you sad you can’t be the one eating lunch with her in the school cafeteria? Are you annoyed that a adorable female is taking up more attention than you? These are real, legitimate concerns and you shouldn’t demean them. You should talk about them and figure out how to compromise. It all comes down to trust. Do you honestly, indeed, one million bazillion percent trust that your fucking partner will not cheat on you? Good. Then you can get through it. If not, then you need to be reevaluating this entire thing you’ve got going on.
Schedule Dates. The most significant thing is to stick to these dates as if they were actual, in real life, going out together dates. Observe movies together on the phone or Skype. Play online or phone games together (one of my girlfriends and I became obsessed with Yahoo pool once? It was awesome). Find bimbo things you can do online together — karaoke, drawing, etc.
See One Another. Alternate visiting one another. Travelling is expensive, especially when you have to take time off work. Observing each other in real life is the best part of being in a long-distance relationship, because it’s always arousing and feel like fresh, so attempt to just live in the moment. I used to ruin the last one or two days of a visit by sulking because I didn’t want my gf to leave and that’s most likely my fattest regret. Don’t expect your fucking partner to be able to take time off work if you’re visiting her, and don’t make her feel guilty if this is the case. Just be grateful for time spent together. Travel together! Why don’t you meet halfway and explore somewhere together? If you’re in Washington and your gf is in California, meet in Portland. That way you both get vacations and some quality alone time.
Hookup. The lack thereof is a major downside of being in a LDR. Find other avenues of intimity, whether it’s phone hook-up, naked pictures, Skype… sessions… you do you. Just be forewarned about sending naked pictures to your playmate — the internet is forever.
Don’t Let Other People Get You Down. Heaps of people you meet are going to cringe when you tell them your gf lives in Brazil. So what? Are you glad? Yes? Okay. Haters are gonna hate. Get over this as early on in the relationship as possible.
Have Your Own Life. I love being independent. This was my dearest part of being in a long-distance relationship: the capability to go do my own thing. It’s effortless to fall into the pattern of spending every night on the phone for hours with your gf. Unluckily, that isn’t very sustainable. Go out and make friends or you’re going to be pathetic. Go to that concert, go to that party. Believe me, you will regret not doing these things.
Have A Time Framework For Ending The Distance. This gives you something to look forward to together. Maybe you’re going to be apart for a few months or a few years. You might not know exact dates in the beginning, but make sure you and your playmate talk about eventually living in the same place together. If neither of you wants to compromise…
When To Call it Quits
When You Can’t Compromise. For example, with one of my previous girlfriends, we did the long-distance thing, then we lived together, then we went back to the long-distance thing, and because I didn’t want to keep sacrificing being away from my family to live in another country and I hate flying, and she didn’t want to sacrifice being away from her family and she hated flying, we broke up. That’s the simplified version. Take care of yourself, because nothing is worse than resenting your fucking partner for things out of your control.
When Jealousy Can’t Be Overcome. Is your playmate guilt-tripping you for stringing up out with your best friend or not picking up the phone by the third ring? Not worth it. Do you find yourself becoming physically sick at the thought of her draping out with that lovely dame without you? Not worth it. Very first, talk to your gf about the feelings and go from there.
When You Find Yourself Liking Someone Else. Do not, under any circumstances, cheat on your fucking partner. Don’t do it. It’s never okay, not even when you haven’t been around your playmate in months and you have downright forgotten how good women smell and feel and taste. If you’re tempted to cheat, it’s better to just end things.
When It’s Just Not Worth It Anymore. You very likely already know when you’re at this point. Admitting defeat does not make you a bad person. Ever. Sometimes you attempted truly hard or you didn’t want to attempt anymore or you just don’t want to be in a long-distance relationship. There’s nothing wrong with any of this.
Hansen
Hansen is the former DIY & Food Editor of Autostraddle.com and likes to spend most days making and cooking and writing. She instructs creative writing at Colorado State University and is pursuing a Masters of Fine Arts in her free time.
Hansen has written one hundred eighty nine articles for us.
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seventy two Comments
I’ve been in a long-distance relationship since last Christmas, and I can see her only twice a year because there is an ocean inbetween us.
The thing is, it’s unbearable. Yet it’s nothing compared to what my life would look like if she wasn’t there.
(Also, thank you for that article, it’s nice to see we’re not the only ones to owe Skype our happiness.)
I was in a long distance relationship for three out of six years in my last relationship – got to see each other about twice a year since we were
1400 miles apart. She broke up with me for non-LDR reasons, but communicating is certainly the key to LDR. Talk about everything.
Also, if she continually tells you that it’s too expensive for her to fly up and see you (especially when you’ve visited her every time) and then next week she says she needed some “retail therapy” and bought two fresh dresses, three pairs of boots, and a fresh skirt, that’s a sign people :/
The very first four months I was with my gf were four months in the same city. The following year was and is still long distance.
We’ve not had any jealousy issues but there’s certainly been problems with communication. More along the lines of one of us is busy and when we’re free, the other one is now busy and so where do we come home from wherever we are, to Skype.
You said we have to be independent/be our own person… I didn’t exactly do that during the very first year (however she did) and now that I am attempting to have my own life she’s mistaking it for her not being significant enough anymore. I’ve attempted to tell her but it always finishes up with me being the one who’s at fault. How do I fix that?
i would just be explicitly fair. tell her that you need your own life, just like she has. assure her it has nothing to do with how you feel about her, but also explain that if you don’t make time for yourself you’ll end up resenting her. if she doesn’t get it, i would say that’s a more serious issue. but also make sure you’re being fair about what you need, and not apologizing. i used to sort of call my gf up and be like, “hi honey, sorry i can’t talk tonight, i feel truly bad…” and sound indeed guilty and expect her to crank out, but no, that’s not helpful to anyone. now i’m more fair and i’ll text her or let her know in advance that i’m busy, even if that just means needing some alone time writing in my journal. i don’t act as however she’s gonna weirdo out, because she’s a grown-up and can treat time alone, too, and also she knows i love her and my desire to go see a movie / get dinner with a friend / grab a drink with co-workers / lay in my bed and turn down to talk to anyone has absolutely nothing to do with my feelings (or lack thereof) for her and absolutely everything to do with the fact that we’re individuals who do different things, not siamese twins who can’t function without the other. since i’ve wielded up to my need for more independent time and given her more credit about understanding this need, our relationship has been a lot healthier and i’ve felt a lot less guilty.
sorry if any lumps of this sound harsh — i’m just worried because you say she did (presumably does?) have her “own life” and yet she’s making it difficult for you to do the same, and that’s not fair. whether a relationship is long distance or not, your playmate needs to support you and permit you to make sure your own needs are being met, otherwise everyone is screwed, and not in a good way.
(utter disclosure: i am in a “fake LDR” — my own term — because while my gf and i do live in different states and do not see each other as frequently as i’d like — we’d very likely be living together if we were in the same place — she is just a brief hour train rail away, and we see each other most weekends, so it feels obnoxious to say i’m in a LDR when for some people that means canada to europe, or australia to brazil, etc.)
I was in a long distance relationship for about a year and a half, and several months ago we ended the long distance aspect, and moved in together. I had many people truly doubt my relationship, and tell me about their doubts, but we had a plan of how and when the distance would end. We made plans while we were observing each other for the next time we could see each other. We’d buy plane tickets, clear schedules, etc. while we were together, so it made each visit feel less like “OH MY GOD BETTER Relish THIS WHO KNOWS WHEN I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN.” We also had a plan for when we could budge to the same city. This was hard and involved some sacrifices on my part like leaving my friends, the city where I’d become convenient, etc. But I was/am sure this is the person I want to be with, and to be with her I had to do it. So! Scary, but both planning our next visits and having an end point to the distance in the long run was a super significant light at the end of the tunnel.
Also! We met on okcupid. So, don’t despair little gay babies finding love on the internet! It can work.
This mirrors a lot of my relationship! Met online, did the LDR thing for nine long months (and Skype didn’t exist!), moved in together, toughed it out and now it’s almost eleven years later. Yikes. She moved a few provinces over to be with me and it wasn’t always effortless, but it’s good now.
It’s significant to be on the same page as far as communication. Life goes on when you’re in different cities, that’s just how it is…communicating, for us, had a good deal of day to say stuff, like I went to class, I went to work, talked to this person, this is what I’m doing this weekend, etc. It’s fine to not be able to reach your gf if you have an idea about what’s going on in her life. And always, always plan a next time, and a possible future together. If you both want it to work, make it happen!
my thoughts exactly.. if you want to make it work then you will. It requires effort but if you love each other then make the effort!
Are you me? I met my honey on OKC and moved to her city after a year-and-a-half of long distance. We conducted that year-and-a-half pretty much as you describe, by visiting each other every month and buying plane tickets as far in advance as possible so we kept a momentum going. We’ve now been in the same city for about six months, and it’s truly, truly lovely.
This! This this this. I met my lady (via OKC) about a month before I moved halfway across the country… it was just supposed to be a summer fling but then All The Feelings happened! It’s truly encouraging to hear that your OKC-based LDRs worked out so well.
Side note, she’s visiting right now and we’re both catching up on the Autostraddle articles we’ve missed over the past duo days �� She’s the cutest.
�� The only untruth there: Christina’s the cutest. This long distance thing isn’t too hard because of all of the texting, Netflix dates, Skype talks, snail mail love letters, and monthly visits planned in advance. <Trio
WoW I have totally given up online dating..now you’re telling you met on okcupid. Thanks I guess we won’t give up then.
“Keep in touch in ways that are not Facebook”
Example: Leave comments on Autostraddle articles that you know your gf will read.
Hey lady, you’re my favourite *HUGS*
This is just what I needed to see at any point. When I look at my potential career path, I see me jetting all over the world and unluckily, leaving my woman behind for a period of time. Reading this, I can feel a bit more convenient with that thought and know that I can make it work while Im away for long periods.
Jet away. You have to live your life. My dame is from Luxembourg. I left her at uni to investigate abroad in TN, last year I worked in Italy for most of the year and next feb I’m going to work on a cruise ship for nine months. If she’s worth keeping then she’ll support you in living your life.
It can totes work. Five 1/Two years and counting.
Oh boi, feeeelings. I reminisce feeling guilty for valuing the independence associated with the distance, but that guilt was balanced by her bold activity of stealing my fav T-shirt and stubbornly telling me she was going to have a relationship with my T-shirt/smell until I came back. I mean, Toronto to Montreal isn’t the longest of distances, but it was truly the lovely, inventive things we’d do that kept everything from crashing and searing and ultimately ending in a horrible way. Good luck current long-distancers!
Autostraddle, you can read minds! Very first you’re writing an article about living with roommates and now you’re writing about LDR! How did you know that I’m going to be moving away to go back to school in two weeks? I’ll be living with four roommates, who I don’t even know yet (hooray!), after living with my gf for almost three years. There’s only going to be 240km inbetween us, but we’re both broke university students, so it’s gonna be harsh.
Thanks for the advice, Autostraddle. I’ll be thinking of you while having hot, hot phone hookup with my special ladyfriend!
Liking someone else doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker. Crushes happen! There’s also the option of non-monogamy.
Communication communication communication.
Hear hear! I’m poly and in a LDR, communication is the cornerstone but it is totally doable and in some ways can buffer the stress of distance.
This is also a pleasurably timed article because she’s coming to visit tomorrow and all three of us will get to string up out all weekend! Yayyy! =D
THIS IS SO RELEVANT TO MY LIFE.
I love you Autostraddle.
THIS IS A Excellent POST. Obvi it it’s hitting home for a lot of people. I was in a LDR but she ended things partially because I was super terrible at a LDR. I’d send a postcard or package and then not send another for a long time and gravely, that effort should be sustained. All the time. The connection didn’t stay strong and I didn’t remind her, or rather, Display her as much as I should have how much I cared. Which was stupid (of me)! Anyway, that was my mistake and has indeed trained me to keep attempting, always, to demonstrate the people in my life how much I love them.
Also, ALL the snaps for the “live your life” advice. Sitting at home pining for your lady is romantic but it’s going to make for a boring Skype conversation for her when she eventually comes online and you have nothing to say but “I rewatched another Doctor Who gig”, honestly.
This is depressingly relevant. My gf is moving back to Korea in a duo of weeks. I said I’d never do an LDR again, after being in them from age seventeen – 26(!), but I can’t just let her go and never see her again, and neither of us want to date anyone else. I’m planning to run away to Korea in February but it means effing up my career and going back into the closet, so it’s a lot to process…
why would you have to go back in the closet. :/
maybe becoz korea is an Asian country…and if shes a crimson blooded lezzie (I mean very much visible by the why she looks and so ).. I don’t know.. lesbo in asia is not truly that liberated to display their selves in public tha way American and European do… >o<
Asian bloodears.. correct me if im wrong… =)
Long distance relationships while in the closet are the hardest. There’s only so many reasons you can give your parents as to why you’ve flown to Fresh York three times this year to see your “friend”.
This is exactly exactly exactly the situation in which I came out. After a few trips to Fresh York to see my “friend”, my mom eventually said, “Are you sure you’re not more than friends?” And then I cried a lot.
paramecium is ryt.. kinda hard specially if your woman “friend” is not welcome in the family… >o< gargling my head off!
This would have been fine two months ago! ��
I’m in a long distance and we use all of this to make it wonderful. One petite and cheesy (and excellent) thing we do on top of these things is to take pictures when we’re out and text them to each other. I love observing what she’s eyeing when she’s out and she seems to love it, too. It helps us to feel closer in our day to day activities. So she gets a picture of my desk at work, I get a picture of the road where she’s stuck in traffic, she gets a pic of the friend I’m having lunch with, whatever we feel inspired to send. It’s made the distance feel so much smaller.
How do you people do it? Having been in too many dysfunctional relationships where I had to psyche myself up to see and spend time with my gf, I am now in the healthiest, happiest relationship ever..like EVER! We live about ninety minutes away from one another and I haven’t seen her in three days…I’m a mess! It’s only been three freaking days! I’m ready to abandon my job and live in my car parked in her driveway! How do you do it?
It does require a period of adjustment, but just know that you WILL adjust and trust me…you get used to it. You’ll stop thinking about it as a ‘LDR’ and just as YOUR relationship that isn’t any different from any other healthy glad relationship…you just don’t see each other every day.
By the sounds of it, you love her enough to make it work.
Gee, that Hansen sure is a excellent writer.
Gee, that Kait sure is a fine commenter.
So relevant to my life right now. I’m in the UK and my gf is in Oklahoma- she’s planning to budge over here once she graduates next summer, but at the moment the distance is kind of painful, as is the six hour time difference. But she makes my life so much more amazing even from that much distance- totally worth it.
seven weeks post LDR breakup and that last point was NOT joy to read. it’s only worth it until it’s no longer worth it – no matter how much you love each other. hardest lesson.
This is totally a page I am going to put in my ldr advice bookmarks folder for when my gf and I go back to being long distance in December. =[ We got together while long distance most of this year, but I’ll be graduating this winter and most likely moving back home and there’s a truly high probablility she’ll be joining the military after the fresh year. Thinking of which, has anyone dated a damsel while she (or you) were still in military training? How did that or the frequent moving (while still being single on paperwork) go? The only advantage either of us can think of is that being penpals was joy. =T
Thank you for this.
This 2nd half of this article is all too relevant to me right now, and I don’t want to talk about that part, so.
Thank you for channeling most likely my most used phrase at A-Camp of “the internet is forever.” Because it truly is, you guys.
THE INTERNET IS FOREVER.
It’s like autostraddle has began to read my mind when choosing what to write about.
My gf is joining the peace corps. I’m equal parts “yay, I’m so blessed that you get to do something that you’ve always wished to do” and “ohmigod how do we stir from eyeing each other every 2nd of every day to you living on separate continent with no internet connection”? I suspect the response to the 2nd part is going to take time to figure out. Fortunately, I have twenty seven months?
I’ve only had one actual LDR and it was the worst thing ever. Besides that I’ve sort of dated people a duo hours away but that never worked so.
But when you’re three time zones apart and you’re about to go to bed while she’s suspending out with her friends? You never talk anymore.
It didn’t help that she was the very first female I’d ever dated/did anything with, and that I had fallen hard for her two years before we even did embark dating. And then a duo months later we moved to other sides of the country and it fell to lumps and she was like “I don’t want to do this anymore” and I was like “FINE I DON’T NEED YOU LET’S NEVER TALK AGAIN.” (most likely the least mature reaction I could have had).
Then my friends got me toasted and when they left the dance floor at the shitty bar we were at I screamed (a very tormented scream) at the top of my lungs, “DON’T LEAVE MEEEEE.” Clearly, I was feeling some feelings.
Anyway. Not planning on doing this again unless MAYBE I get the idea that she’s as into making it work as I am? LDRs suck.
Im glad you feel feelings like this.
its kinda nice to know there are others with mature feelings that explode out of them.
My gf and I were long distance for a year after meeting in a bar and realising that a) we were getting on ridiculously well and b) she lived in Germany and I lived in the UK.
I should apologise to the environment because we flew a LOT that year.
Anyway now we live together in London and it’s bloomin’ fine. .
I think my point is that it can work! Plus also Germany is superb and we’re moving to Berlin next year, so you might also get to fall in Iove with a fresh place as well as a fresh person.
THANK THE HEAVENS FOR SKYPE AND TEXT TWEETING.
Superb advice, wiish I would’ve had this list six years ago… My very first relationship was a LDR. Very first four months were spent together, the next five years on Skype, in airports, bus stations and in each others homes on brief visits. Five years was way too long and I ended up making most of them mistakes mentioned above. I’m just glad it left me wiser and that a got five years with an amazing person who switched the way I see myself and others for the rest of my life to come. As far as relationship goes, LDR or otherwise, no one relationship is better than it is right now. You can’t live the future you might get together. So you know… make it worthwhile now.
Yes! Best advice ever! Make it worthwhile now.
My very first relationship was with a dude (I’m bisexual for those who don’t know already) and it was long-distance. We ultimately broke up because he realized he was only attracted to guys, but while the relationship was going on, damn, I could have used a lot of this advice.
For me I think it only worked because he was my best friend and I was indeed into him. I don’t think I’m the sort of person who could normally do a long-distance relationship, and I’m hesitant to get into one with someone where I don’t already know them truly well and I haven’t already built up a lot of trust and commitment.
I shouldn’t say “was” – he still IS one of my best friends.
Oh gosh I’m in a LDR right now. My gf is in college and I’m still a high school student. She is indeed linked to her city and her family and I would never want to ask her to budge away from there. I on the other mitt don’t indeed have a enormous attachment to any particular place (yay AF brat life) so I’m going to budge there for college. Of course I’m going to have to give up just about everything, budge away from my family and friends, but it’s all worth it and I love the venture of going to a fresh place. Plus the colleges there are awesome. I’m just glad that when I do go, it’s not across an entire ocean like some people’s LDgfs. She only lives three states from me.
Side note: we’re in a poly relationship, so she has a gf who lives near her right now, but I have no hard feelings toward her, and actually think her gf is pretty awesome. I trust her with my life and trust that she wouldn’t ever cheat or anything. And I had a gf over the summer (which didn’t work out) and now have a fat crush on a man (I’m biromantic) and she’s nothing but glad for me when I get dates with other people. Visiting isn’t truly an option for a while, since neither of us has a job and we’re both poor students who live over five hundred miles apart, but once it will we both know it will be extra-special. I can’t send or receive mail to/from her, because my parents weirdo out about me dating and would never approve of us, so we have very minimal contact most of the time, but we’re more of a silent support system for each other and understand just about everything without even having to talk much.
This month we’ll have been together for six months, and it’s been the best six months of my life. I’m no longer depressed, and have matured a lot. I can’t say anything similar for any of my past relationships, so this entire LDR thing is working pretty excellent for me.
Ohman, so relevant. I’m in my 4th month of a LDR and we’re doing all of the above as much as we can; still, sometimes it can get very harsh. Thank GOD FOR SKYPE!
Only another three or four months to go, I tell myself… or we tell each other when one of us is down. That’s enormously helpful. Also, packing your days with activities!
After an intense long-distance friendship with a high school friend that was punctuated over four years with attempts to commence a long distance relationship because of college choices and later the Navy, we’ve now embarked an official distance relationship and are hitting two months! So, we’ve had the practice writing goofy postcards and love letters, Skypeing, and communicating in general over distance. It doesn’t seem too different from before except that it is more intimate and we get to plan for the future of living together.
I should say I’m in Honolulu and she’s in Naples so the difference is twelve hours. This is remarkably lighter to manage than the six hours to talk to my family in the central time zone, but it will twist your brain at times remembering what day it is.
We’ve already planned her visit here in the late spring. Being in the Navy she’ll get the luxury of a entire month off! Then in the late summer I’ll be going to Europe. Our deadline for the end of distance is dependent on the end of her enlistment so it will be close to three years.
I thought I’d share some more ideas that we’ve found to help with the stress of distance. Coming up with this list alone was joy to do together.
It helps with the anxiety of missing your gf if your friends are supportive. Then your fucking partner’s news and your joys and troubles related to your gf are legitimate topics of conversation.
Related to that if you can Skype with your gf when other people are around it makes the relationship seem more real. Don’t force your friends to hang-out with her, especially if they’ve never met, or do this too often – but if the conversation includes your Skype-love it can be eerily like they are there and they’re not a figment of the internet.
It is significant to recall that a virtual relationship will stress you out it ways you don’t expect. So, have patience with your emotions, her emotions, your collective schedules, learning webcam sexy abilities, and forgiveness with the fact that some of the issues you deal with are prompted only because you are communicating over the internet.
Especially with the webcam hookup, the very first time we attempted that I burst out in tears from missing her and other times, we’ve burst into titters from the absurdity of attempting to be sexy out of our convenience zones. Once, I attempted to talk about the romantic partnering of turtles to get into a convenience zone, that was not so successful… Attempt to keep it light and joy until you get the drape of it, also don’t take it personally if your attempts just don’t elicit the right response.
Being twelve hours apart- waking up when the other is getting ready for sleep- we’ve found that you can Skype shower – if you cautiously prop your computer on a shelf or cat litter bath and cover your keyboard with a towel. It’s joy and intimate and something you might want to attempt. Don’t ruin your computer!! Also Skype baths (you can actually talk without the gush of the water or the harass fan running)
You can eat meals together, buy similar ingredients, and cook in the kitchen with your laptop. Cooking together!
Shopping together online for necessities that you would normally choose alone is another activity that makes your gf seem closer. For a joy option – underwear. Then make sure to have dress up time later ��
Reading to each other from the book you’re presently reading, online articles, or poetry is a good way to bask in your gf’s voice.
And eventually it has helped me to carry something with me of hers through my day, a bracelet she gave me or a tank-top I ‘borrowed’. Little things to remind me of her during the day.
And of course every that was said above! Good luck peeps
Long-Distance Sapphic Relationships: How To Make Them Work And When To Call It Quits, Autostraddle
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Let’s face it: Long-distance relationships aren’t always joy. Ideally, you’d like to be face-to-face with your playmate for conversations, large life events, or simply put, lovemaking. Especially hookup. But that doesn’t mean they can’t work. I observed many a nice duo at A-Camp find one another and then realize the other person lives in Canada or Europe or Fresh York or somewhere over the rainbow. Long-distance is also pretty common in that very first year of college, when your gf completes up in California and you’re in Ohio. Maybe you just met someone online and they’re flawless, but they’re from France. I’ve been in fairly a few long-distance, long-term relationships, from Fresh York to Brazil to Australia. I’ll admit, sometimes my beloved part of past relationships have been the distance, but sometimes the distance was what broke us up. There is no right or wrong way to be in a long-distance relationship — maybe you thrive on independence or maybe you just need cuddles at night. Here are some of my protips on how to make it work and when to know that it’s over.
Make It Work.
Communicate. This is so effortless in theory, but maybe your gf lives in Australia and she’s only awake for half of the day that you’re awake. Prioritize those times. Schedule in times to talk and stick to those dates as if you were going out to a real dinner together. Skype! It’s such a glorious thing! So is texting, if you’re not internationally in love. If you are international, Facebook message or download an app that let’s you text through the internet (my beloved is TextNow). Voxer and HeyTell are also awesome. Keep in touch in ways that are not Facebook. Email. Snail mail love letters. Send care packages. Most importantly, share what your day was like and let your love know you’re missing her.
Talk About Jealousy Issues. Unluckily, this is a phat part of why long-distance relationships don’t work. But maybe you’re the exception! Talk through what’s making you jealous — are you sad you can’t be the one eating lunch with her in the school cafeteria? Are you annoyed that a lovely woman is taking up more attention than you? These are real, legitimate concerns and you shouldn’t demean them. You should talk about them and figure out how to compromise. It all comes down to trust. Do you honestly, truly, one million bazillion percent trust that your fucking partner will not cheat on you? Good. Then you can get through it. If not, then you need to be reevaluating this entire thing you’ve got going on.
Schedule Dates. The most significant thing is to stick to these dates as if they were actual, in real life, going out together dates. Observe movies together on the phone or Skype. Play online or phone games together (one of my girlfriends and I became obsessed with Yahoo pool once? It was awesome). Find stupid things you can do online together — karaoke, drawing, etc.
See One Another. Alternate visiting one another. Travelling is expensive, especially when you have to take time off work. Witnessing each other in real life is the best part of being in a long-distance relationship, because it’s always titillating and feel like fresh, so attempt to just live in the moment. I used to ruin the last one or two days of a visit by sulking because I didn’t want my gf to leave and that’s most likely my largest regret. Don’t expect your fucking partner to be able to take time off work if you’re visiting her, and don’t make her feel guilty if this is the case. Just be grateful for time spent together. Travel together! Why don’t you meet halfway and explore somewhere together? If you’re in Washington and your gf is in California, meet in Portland. That way you both get vacations and some quality alone time.
Hook-up. The lack thereof is a major downside of being in a LDR. Find other avenues of intimity, whether it’s phone hookup, naked pictures, Skype… sessions… you do you. Just be forewarned about sending naked pictures to your playmate — the internet is forever.
Don’t Let Other People Get You Down. Heaps of people you meet are going to cringe when you tell them your gf lives in Brazil. So what? Are you blessed? Yes? Okay. Haters are gonna hate. Get over this as early on in the relationship as possible.
Have Your Own Life. I love being independent. This was my beloved part of being in a long-distance relationship: the capability to go do my own thing. It’s effortless to fall into the pattern of spending every night on the phone for hours with your gf. Unluckily, that isn’t very sustainable. Go out and make friends or you’re going to be pathetic. Go to that concert, go to that party. Believe me, you will regret not doing these things.
Have A Time Framework For Ending The Distance. This gives you something to look forward to together. Maybe you’re going to be apart for a few months or a few years. You might not know exact dates in the beginning, but make sure you and your playmate talk about eventually living in the same place together. If neither of you wants to compromise…
When To Call it Quits
When You Can’t Compromise. For example, with one of my previous girlfriends, we did the long-distance thing, then we lived together, then we went back to the long-distance thing, and because I didn’t want to keep sacrificing being away from my family to live in another country and I hate flying, and she didn’t want to sacrifice being away from her family and she hated flying, we broke up. That’s the simplified version. Take care of yourself, because nothing is worse than resenting your playmate for things out of your control.
When Jealousy Can’t Be Overcome. Is your playmate guilt-tripping you for stringing up out with your best friend or not picking up the phone by the third ring? Not worth it. Do you find yourself becoming physically sick at the thought of her draping out with that lovely woman without you? Not worth it. Very first, talk to your gf about the feelings and go from there.
When You Find Yourself Liking Someone Else. Do not, under any circumstances, cheat on your fucking partner. Don’t do it. It’s never okay, not even when you haven’t been around your fucking partner in months and you have fully forgotten how good women smell and feel and taste. If you’re tempted to cheat, it’s better to just end things.
When It’s Just Not Worth It Anymore. You most likely already know when you’re at this point. Admitting defeat does not make you a bad person. Ever. Sometimes you attempted indeed hard or you didn’t want to attempt anymore or you just don’t want to be in a long-distance relationship. There’s nothing wrong with any of this.
Hansen
Hansen is the former DIY & Food Editor of Autostraddle.com and likes to spend most days making and cooking and writing. She instructs creative writing at Colorado State University and is pursuing a Masters of Fine Arts in her free time.
Hansen has written one hundred eighty nine articles for us.
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seventy two Comments
I’ve been in a long-distance relationship since last Christmas, and I can see her only twice a year because there is an ocean inbetween us.
The thing is, it’s unbearable. Yet it’s nothing compared to what my life would look like if she wasn’t there.
(Also, thank you for that article, it’s nice to see we’re not the only ones to owe Skype our happiness.)
I was in a long distance relationship for three out of six years in my last relationship – got to see each other about twice a year since we were
1400 miles apart. She broke up with me for non-LDR reasons, but communicating is undoubtedly the key to LDR. Talk about everything.
Also, if she continually tells you that it’s too expensive for her to fly up and see you (especially when you’ve visited her every time) and then next week she says she needed some “retail therapy” and bought two fresh dresses, three pairs of boots, and a fresh skirt, that’s a sign people :/
The very first four months I was with my gf were four months in the same city. The following year was and is still long distance.
We’ve not had any jealousy issues but there’s certainly been problems with communication. More along the lines of one of us is busy and when we’re free, the other one is now busy and so where do we come home from wherever we are, to Skype.
You said we have to be independent/be our own person… I didn’t exactly do that during the very first year (however she did) and now that I am attempting to have my own life she’s mistaking it for her not being significant enough anymore. I’ve attempted to tell her but it always completes up with me being the one who’s at fault. How do I fix that?
i would just be explicitly fair. tell her that you need your own life, just like she has. assure her it has nothing to do with how you feel about her, but also explain that if you don’t make time for yourself you’ll end up resenting her. if she doesn’t get it, i would say that’s a more serious issue. but also make sure you’re being fair about what you need, and not apologizing. i used to sort of call my gf up and be like, “hi honey, sorry i can’t talk tonight, i feel truly bad…” and sound indeed guilty and expect her to crank out, but no, that’s not helpful to anyone. now i’m more fair and i’ll text her or let her know in advance that i’m busy, even if that just means needing some alone time writing in my journal. i don’t act as however she’s gonna pervert out, because she’s a grown-up and can treat time alone, too, and also she knows i love her and my desire to go see a movie / get dinner with a friend / grab a drink with co-workers / lay in my bed and turn down to talk to anyone has absolutely nothing to do with my feelings (or lack thereof) for her and absolutely everything to do with the fact that we’re individuals who do different things, not siamese twins who can’t function without the other. since i’ve wielded up to my need for more independent time and given her more credit about understanding this need, our relationship has been a lot healthier and i’ve felt a lot less guilty.
sorry if any chunks of this sound harsh — i’m just worried because you say she did (presumably does?) have her “own life” and yet she’s making it difficult for you to do the same, and that’s not fair. whether a relationship is long distance or not, your playmate needs to support you and permit you to make sure your own needs are being met, otherwise everyone is screwed, and not in a good way.
(utter disclosure: i am in a “fake LDR” — my own term — because while my gf and i do live in different states and do not see each other as frequently as i’d like — we’d most likely be living together if we were in the same place — she is just a brief hour train rail away, and we see each other most weekends, so it feels obnoxious to say i’m in a LDR when for some people that means canada to europe, or australia to brazil, etc.)
I was in a long distance relationship for about a year and a half, and several months ago we ended the long distance aspect, and moved in together. I had many people truly doubt my relationship, and tell me about their doubts, but we had a plan of how and when the distance would end. We made plans while we were watching each other for the next time we could see each other. We’d buy plane tickets, clear schedules, etc. while we were together, so it made each visit feel less like “OH MY GOD BETTER Savour THIS WHO KNOWS WHEN I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN.” We also had a plan for when we could stir to the same city. This was hard and involved some sacrifices on my part like leaving my friends, the city where I’d become comfy, etc. But I was/am sure this is the person I want to be with, and to be with her I had to do it. So! Scary, but both planning our next visits and having an end point to the distance in the long run was a super significant light at the end of the tunnel.
Also! We met on okcupid. So, don’t despair little gay babies finding love on the internet! It can work.
This mirrors a lot of my relationship! Met online, did the LDR thing for nine long months (and Skype didn’t exist!), moved in together, toughed it out and now it’s almost eleven years later. Yikes. She moved a few provinces over to be with me and it wasn’t always effortless, but it’s good now.
It’s significant to be on the same page as far as communication. Life goes on when you’re in different cities, that’s just how it is…communicating, for us, had a superb deal of day to say stuff, like I went to class, I went to work, talked to this person, this is what I’m doing this weekend, etc. It’s fine to not be able to reach your gf if you have an idea about what’s going on in her life. And always, always plan a next time, and a possible future together. If you both want it to work, make it happen!
my thoughts exactly.. if you want to make it work then you will. It requires effort but if you love each other then make the effort!
Are you me? I met my honey on OKC and moved to her city after a year-and-a-half of long distance. We conducted that year-and-a-half pretty much as you describe, by visiting each other every month and buying plane tickets as far in advance as possible so we kept a momentum going. We’ve now been in the same city for about six months, and it’s indeed, indeed lovely.
This! This this this. I met my lady (via OKC) about a month before I moved halfway across the country… it was just supposed to be a summer fling but then All The Feelings happened! It’s truly encouraging to hear that your OKC-based LDRs worked out so well.
Side note, she’s visiting right now and we’re both catching up on the Autostraddle articles we’ve missed over the past duo days �� She’s the cutest.
�� The only untruth there: Christina’s the cutest. This long distance thing isn’t too hard because of all of the texting, Netflix dates, Skype talks, snail mail love letters, and monthly visits planned in advance. <Trio
WoW I have totally given up online dating..now you’re telling you met on okcupid. Thanks I guess we won’t give up then.
“Keep in touch in ways that are not Facebook”
Example: Leave comments on Autostraddle articles that you know your gf will read.
Hey lady, you’re my favourite *HUGS*
This is just what I needed to see at any point. When I look at my potential career path, I see me jetting all over the world and unluckily, leaving my damsel behind for a period of time. Reading this, I can feel a bit more convenient with that thought and know that I can make it work while Im away for long periods.
Jet away. You have to live your life. My female is from Luxembourg. I left her at uni to investigate abroad in TN, last year I worked in Italy for most of the year and next feb I’m going to work on a cruise ship for nine months. If she’s worth keeping then she’ll support you in living your life.
It can totes work. Five 1/Two years and counting.
Oh boi, feeeelings. I recall feeling guilty for valuing the independence associated with the distance, but that guilt was balanced by her bold activity of stealing my fav T-shirt and stubbornly telling me she was going to have a relationship with my T-shirt/smell until I came back. I mean, Toronto to Montreal isn’t the longest of distances, but it was indeed the nice, inventive things we’d do that kept everything from crashing and searing and ultimately ending in a horrible way. Good luck current long-distancers!
Autostraddle, you can read minds! Very first you’re writing an article about living with roommates and now you’re writing about LDR! How did you know that I’m going to be moving away to go back to school in two weeks? I’ll be living with four roommates, who I don’t even know yet (hooray!), after living with my gf for almost three years. There’s only going to be 240km inbetween us, but we’re both broke university students, so it’s gonna be harsh.
Thanks for the advice, Autostraddle. I’ll be thinking of you while having hot, hot phone hook-up with my special ladyfriend!
Liking someone else doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker. Crushes happen! There’s also the option of non-monogamy.
Communication communication communication.
Hear hear! I’m poly and in a LDR, communication is the cornerstone but it is totally doable and in some ways can buffer the stress of distance.
This is also a pleasurably timed article because she’s coming to visit tomorrow and all three of us will get to drape out all weekend! Yayyy! =D
THIS IS SO RELEVANT TO MY LIFE.
I love you Autostraddle.
THIS IS A Fine POST. Obvi it it’s hitting home for a lot of people. I was in a LDR but she ended things partially because I was super terrible at a LDR. I’d send a postcard or package and then not send another for a long time and gravely, that effort should be sustained. All the time. The connection didn’t stay strong and I didn’t remind her, or rather, Demonstrate her as much as I should have how much I cared. Which was stupid (of me)! Anyway, that was my mistake and has indeed instructed me to keep attempting, always, to showcase the people in my life how much I love them.
Also, ALL the snaps for the “live your life” advice. Sitting at home pining for your lady is romantic but it’s going to make for a boring Skype conversation for her when she eventually comes online and you have nothing to say but “I rewatched another Doctor Who gig”, honestly.
This is depressingly relevant. My gf is moving back to Korea in a duo of weeks. I said I’d never do an LDR again, after being in them from age seventeen – 26(!), but I can’t just let her go and never see her again, and neither of us want to date anyone else. I’m planning to run away to Korea in February but it means effing up my career and going back into the closet, so it’s a lot to process…
why would you have to go back in the closet. :/
maybe becoz korea is an Asian country…and if shes a crimson blooded sapphic (I mean very much visible by the why she looks and so ).. I don’t know.. lezzie in asia is not indeed that liberated to display their selves in public tha way American and European do… >o<
Asian bloodears.. correct me if im wrong… =)
Long distance relationships while in the closet are the hardest. There’s only so many reasons you can give your parents as to why you’ve flown to Fresh York three times this year to see your “friend”.
This is exactly exactly exactly the situation in which I came out. After a few trips to Fresh York to see my “friend”, my mom ultimately said, “Are you sure you’re not more than friends?” And then I cried a lot.
paramecium is ryt.. kinda hard specially if your chick “friend” is not welcome in the family… >o< deep throating my head off!
This would have been superb two months ago! ��
I’m in a long distance and we use all of this to make it wonderful. One puny and cheesy (and superb) thing we do on top of these things is to take pictures when we’re out and text them to each other. I love watching what she’s watching when she’s out and she seems to love it, too. It helps us to feel closer in our day to day activities. So she gets a picture of my desk at work, I get a picture of the road where she’s stuck in traffic, she gets a pic of the friend I’m having lunch with, whatever we feel inspired to send. It’s made the distance feel so much smaller.
How do you people do it? Having been in too many dysfunctional relationships where I had to psyche myself up to see and spend time with my gf, I am now in the healthiest, happiest relationship ever..like EVER! We live about ninety minutes away from one another and I haven’t seen her in three days…I’m a mess! It’s only been three freaking days! I’m ready to abandon my job and live in my car parked in her driveway! How do you do it?
It does require a period of adjustment, but just know that you WILL adjust and trust me…you get used to it. You’ll stop thinking about it as a ‘LDR’ and just as YOUR relationship that isn’t any different from any other healthy blessed relationship…you just don’t see each other every day.
By the sounds of it, you love her enough to make it work.
Gee, that Hansen sure is a excellent writer.
Gee, that Kait sure is a excellent commenter.
So relevant to my life right now. I’m in the UK and my gf is in Oklahoma- she’s planning to stir over here once she graduates next summer, but at the moment the distance is kind of painful, as is the six hour time difference. But she makes my life so much more amazing even from that much distance- totally worth it.
seven weeks post LDR breakup and that last point was NOT joy to read. it’s only worth it until it’s no longer worth it – no matter how much you love each other. hardest lesson.
This is totally a page I am going to put in my ldr advice bookmarks folder for when my gf and I go back to being long distance in December. =[ We got together while long distance most of this year, but I’ll be graduating this winter and very likely moving back home and there’s a indeed high probablility she’ll be joining the military after the fresh year. Thinking of which, has anyone dated a dame while she (or you) were still in military training? How did that or the frequent moving (while still being single on paperwork) go? The only advantage either of us can think of is that being penpals was joy. =T
Thank you for this.
This 2nd half of this article is all too relevant to me right now, and I don’t want to talk about that part, so.
Thank you for channeling most likely my most used phrase at A-Camp of “the internet is forever.” Because it truly is, you guys.
THE INTERNET IS FOREVER.
It’s like autostraddle has began to read my mind when choosing what to write about.
My gf is joining the peace corps. I’m equal parts “yay, I’m so glad that you get to do something that you’ve always wished to do” and “ohmigod how do we stir from witnessing each other every 2nd of every day to you living on separate continent with no internet connection”? I suspect the response to the 2nd part is going to take time to figure out. Fortunately, I have twenty seven months?
I’ve only had one actual LDR and it was the worst thing ever. Besides that I’ve sort of dated people a duo hours away but that never worked so.
But when you’re three time zones apart and you’re about to go to bed while she’s draping out with her friends? You never talk anymore.
It didn’t help that she was the very first female I’d ever dated/did anything with, and that I had fallen hard for her two years before we even did begin dating. And then a duo months later we moved to other sides of the country and it fell to chunks and she was like “I don’t want to do this anymore” and I was like “FINE I DON’T NEED YOU LET’S NEVER TALK AGAIN.” (very likely the least mature reaction I could have had).
Then my friends got me inebriated and when they left the dance floor at the shitty bar we were at I screamed (a very tormented scream) at the top of my lungs, “DON’T LEAVE MEEEEE.” Clearly, I was feeling some feelings.
Anyway. Not planning on doing this again unless MAYBE I get the idea that she’s as into making it work as I am? LDRs suck.
Im glad you feel feelings like this.
its kinda nice to know there are others with mature feelings that explode out of them.
My gf and I were long distance for a year after meeting in a bar and realising that a) we were getting on ridiculously well and b) she lived in Germany and I lived in the UK.
I should apologise to the environment because we flew a LOT that year.
Anyway now we live together in London and it’s bloomin’ fine. .
I think my point is that it can work! Plus also Germany is superb and we’re moving to Berlin next year, so you might also get to fall in Iove with a fresh place as well as a fresh person.
THANK THE HEAVENS FOR SKYPE AND TEXT TWEETING.
Fine advice, wiish I would’ve had this list six years ago… My very first relationship was a LDR. Very first four months were spent together, the next five years on Skype, in airports, bus stations and in each others homes on brief visits. Five years was way too long and I ended up making most of them mistakes mentioned above. I’m just glad it left me wiser and that a got five years with an amazing person who switched the way I see myself and others for the rest of my life to come. As far as relationship goes, LDR or otherwise, no one relationship is better than it is right now. You can’t live the future you might get together. So you know… make it worthwhile now.
Yes! Best advice ever! Make it worthwhile now.
My very first relationship was with a dude (I’m bisexual for those who don’t know already) and it was long-distance. We ultimately broke up because he realized he was only attracted to guys, but while the relationship was going on, damn, I could have used a lot of this advice.
For me I think it only worked because he was my best friend and I was indeed into him. I don’t think I’m the sort of person who could normally do a long-distance relationship, and I’m hesitant to get into one with someone where I don’t already know them indeed well and I haven’t already built up a lot of trust and commitment.
I shouldn’t say “was” – he still IS one of my best friends.
Oh gosh I’m in a LDR right now. My gf is in college and I’m still a high school student. She is truly affixed to her city and her family and I would never want to ask her to budge away from there. I on the other forearm don’t truly have a ample attachment to any particular place (yay AF brat life) so I’m going to stir there for college. Of course I’m going to have to give up just about everything, budge away from my family and friends, but it’s all worth it and I love the venture of going to a fresh place. Plus the colleges there are awesome. I’m just glad that when I do go, it’s not across an entire ocean like some people’s LDgfs. She only lives three states from me.
Side note: we’re in a poly relationship, so she has a gf who lives near her right now, but I have no hard feelings toward her, and actually think her gf is pretty awesome. I trust her with my life and trust that she wouldn’t ever cheat or anything. And I had a gf over the summer (which didn’t work out) and now have a big crush on a stud (I’m biromantic) and she’s nothing but glad for me when I get dates with other people. Visiting isn’t truly an option for a while, since neither of us has a job and we’re both poor students who live over five hundred miles apart, but once it will we both know it will be extra-special. I can’t send or receive mail to/from her, because my parents pervert out about me dating and would never approve of us, so we have very minimal contact most of the time, but we’re more of a silent support system for each other and understand just about everything without even having to talk much.
This month we’ll have been together for six months, and it’s been the best six months of my life. I’m no longer depressed, and have matured a lot. I can’t say anything similar for any of my past relationships, so this entire LDR thing is working pretty good for me.
Ohman, so relevant. I’m in my 4th month of a LDR and we’re doing all of the above as much as we can; still, sometimes it can get very harsh. Thank GOD FOR SKYPE!
Only another three or four months to go, I tell myself… or we tell each other when one of us is down. That’s enormously helpful. Also, packing your days with activities!
After an intense long-distance friendship with a high school friend that was punctuated over four years with attempts to begin a long distance relationship because of college choices and later the Navy, we’ve now embarked an official distance relationship and are hitting two months! So, we’ve had the practice writing goofy postcards and love letters, Skypeing, and communicating in general over distance. It doesn’t seem too different from before except that it is more intimate and we get to plan for the future of living together.
I should say I’m in Honolulu and she’s in Naples so the difference is twelve hours. This is remarkably lighter to manage than the six hours to talk to my family in the central time zone, but it will twist your brain at times remembering what day it is.
We’ve already planned her visit here in the late spring. Being in the Navy she’ll get the luxury of a entire month off! Then in the late summer I’ll be going to Europe. Our deadline for the end of distance is dependent on the end of her enlistment so it will be close to three years.
I thought I’d share some more ideas that we’ve found to help with the stress of distance. Coming up with this list alone was joy to do together.
It helps with the anxiety of missing your gf if your friends are supportive. Then your playmate’s news and your joys and troubles related to your gf are legitimate topics of conversation.
Related to that if you can Skype with your gf when other people are around it makes the relationship seem more real. Don’t force your friends to hang-out with her, especially if they’ve never met, or do this too often – but if the conversation includes your Skype-love it can be eerily like they are there and they’re not a figment of the internet.
It is significant to reminisce that a virtual relationship will stress you out it ways you don’t expect. So, have patience with your emotions, her emotions, your collective schedules, learning webcam sexy abilities, and forgiveness with the fact that some of the issues you deal with are prompted only because you are communicating over the internet.
Especially with the webcam hookup, the very first time we attempted that I burst out in tears from missing her and other times, we’ve burst into chuckles from the absurdity of attempting to be sexy out of our convenience zones. Once, I attempted to talk about the romantic partnering of turtles to get into a convenience zone, that was not so successful… Attempt to keep it light and joy until you get the suspend of it, also don’t take it personally if your attempts just don’t elicit the right response.
Being twelve hours apart- waking up when the other is getting ready for sleep- we’ve found that you can Skype shower – if you cautiously prop your computer on a shelf or cat litter bathtub and cover your keyboard with a towel. It’s joy and intimate and something you might want to attempt. Don’t ruin your computer!! Also Skype baths (you can actually talk without the gush of the water or the harass fan running)
You can eat meals together, buy similar ingredients, and cook in the kitchen with your laptop. Cooking together!
Shopping together online for necessities that you would normally choose alone is another activity that makes your gf seem closer. For a joy option – undergarments. Then make sure to have dress up time later ��
Reading to each other from the book you’re presently reading, online articles, or poetry is a fine way to bask in your gf’s voice.
And ultimately it has helped me to carry something with me of hers through my day, a bracelet she gave me or a tank-top I ‘borrowed’. Little things to remind me of her during the day.
And of course every that was said above! Good luck peeps