Ask An Adult: How Do You Make A Long Distance Relationship Work?
The Debrief: Writer Hilary Freeman knows a thing or two about being in a long distance relationship after being in one for three years – but how do you actually make them work?
Illustration by Beth Hoeckel
My beau Mickael’s plane had just touched down at Luton airport, when a woman tapped him on the shoulder and said: ‘Excuse me, but aren’t you Hilary Freeman’s bf?’
’Yes,’ he replied, flummoxed. ‘How on earth did you know that?’
‘Oh, we’ve never met,’ she said. ‘But I recognised you from her pictures on Facebook.’
Welcome to the long-distance relationship, Twenty-First Century style, where social media is everything. But not always negative. According to the latest research, fresh technology means couples in long distance relationships are as glad and as sexually sated as conventional, face-to-face couples, and their relationships are actually often more intimate.
So how do you make a long distance relationship work when you’re in one place/country and he’s in another? When you’re at university and everyone is doing it, it’s effortless. It’s not such a breeze when you leave and have to factor in building a career, flat-sharing and bouncing your friend commitments. As a veteran of a three-year long Anglo/French long distance relationship, here’s what I’ve learned about successful long-distance love:
You’ll need a good wi-fi connection
My very first attempt at a long distance relationshiup failed, aged 15, when my holiday romance failed to reply to my handwritten love letter. Now, there’s no excuse for not keeping in touch. Texting, cheap phone calls abroad, Skype, Facebook and Twitter – to name just a few – mean that you can communicate 24/7. You can even take your iPad to bed. Setting aside time for deep and meaningful talks is essential, whether you’re speaking or typing. Mickael very first told me he loved me on Google Talk, which willingly keeps a record of all your conversations for rereading the next day. I still have it. Unluckily, I also have a few saucy photos, which I have deleted several times, but which keep popping back up.
You must keep the green-eyed monster in check
Trust is essential in an long distance relationship, especially when he’s at a beach party six hundred miles away, and you’re stuck at home watching Eastenders. Setting aside time to meet each other’s friends during visits helps, as do ‘I love you’ texts from the aforementioned party. I befriended his mates on Facebook to stay in the loop, but resisted the urge to trawl his photos for evidence of misdemeanours. Mickael always emailed me when he got home from a night out, even when he knew I was asleep, so that I’d wake up knowing he’d been thinking of me. That’s romance.
Webcams could have been invented for long distance relationships. While it’s no substitute for the real thing – and you most likely don’t want to attempt Durex’s vibing underwear app, Fundawear because it just sounds weird – regular phone/internet lovemaking keeps things fresh. All you need is a good connection (Skype has a habit of going down at inopportune moments), an optional hook-up fucktoy and the confidence to discuss your fantasies and share pics of your wobbly bits. NB: the closer you get to the webcam, the larger certain appendages show up. Make sure you don’t accidentally invite all your friends to your hangout. The main downside: there’s no-one to hug you afterwards.
But meeting up again is like starring in your own Hollywood romcom, with butterflies and sultry smooches. Long Distance Relationsips never get boring, or lose their spark, because they never have time to become mundane. And lovemaking when you see each other is explosive. You might not even make it home very first, albeit do attempt to make sure there isn’t a queue of disgruntled commuters outside when you emerge from the Gatwick Express train toilet together.
You need an end in view
Living two, independent lives, and permanently missing each other is rough. Travelling gets expensive too, as well as grueling. And you miss out on work opportunities and social events because you’re always away. After three and a half years, Mickael has just moved in with me in London. I miss some aspects of our long distance relationships, but nothing hammers going to sleep together.